To Care And To Be Cared About
by Heaven And Above
Summary: Sirius and Remus' Christmas at Hogwarts. Slash! RL/SB wolfstar. Do not own the characters, all rights go to J.K.Rowling. Image is not mine either.


A/H: Happy holidays, everybody!

* * *

I

Everyone was going home for Christmas.

Almost everyone.

Sirius wasn't.

After his parents had kicked him out, he didn't really have a home to get back to. Of course James' parents had offered for him to spend Christmas with them, but he didn't want to trouble them and intrude. He told James that he wanted to stay here, thinking things over or something. He was almost regretting that by now, seeing people packing and chating exitedly about getting to spend the holidays with their families.

Sirius didn't want to be alone. Not on Christmas. He wished somebody would stay.

He didn't want to be on his own, without his friends, without his… Moony.

His Moony. No better way to put it, even though Moony wasn't really his, but that what his delusional mind called him to calm his ever-broken heart down.

Self-pity washed over Sirius.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?" James asked for the last of his billion times, standing in the doorway with a suitcase by his side.

"I'm fine, Prongs… tell your parents I said hey, though. And that I'm very thankful for the invitation." Sirius smiled at his best friend.

"Have a good Christmas, Padfoot." James frowned at his friend worried.

"You too, James."

Christmas was family time, there's no way Sirius could burden the Potter family with his pathetic self. He repeated that in his head one more time, to stop himself from changing his mind.

As he saw James' back disappear behind the dormitory door, he realized he was finally utterly and completely alone. Also, he noticed that he missed Remus leaving, didn't even get the chance to wish him a happy holiday.

As much as he tried to stop it a hesitant shaky sigh rippled throughout his chest.

So. This felt even worse than spending Christmas with his family. He never imagined that's possible.

He fell on his bed face down, just wishing to magically skip through this period of time, to the end off holidays and his friend and his Remus coming back.

He was alone. He had no one to spend holidays with. He had nowhere to go after graduation. He was in love with someone, who simply couldn't feel the same way. He had nothing to hold on to. Nothing to celebrate. Nothing to keep him warm, this cold December night. Great.

"Don't tell me you're crying, Pads." A voice startled him.

His head shot up and he saw Remus leaning on the doorframe, looking at him with a mixture of compassion and annoyance. Sirius blinked a couple of times, before realizing that his eyes were not deceiving him and then quickly brushed a couple of very unmanly tears away, trying to hide them from the one person he never wanted to be seen like that by.

"No." He muttered childishly.

"Of course not." Moony smiled mysteriously and made his way to his bed, sitting down on it. "You know if you wanted to… never mind."

"What are you doing here? Isn't the train leaving, like… right now?" Sirius asked his leisurely friend.

"It is. My plans changed unexpectedly, I'll be spending the holidays here." Remus shrugged leaning back and opening a book.

"Wh-" Sirius started, but stopped, deciding that he might as well not question this, just be happy it was the way that it was.

"Hm?"

"Nothing."

"Thought so."

Sirius swore he saw an amused little smirk on Moony's lips.

He watched Remus read for a while, trying to ignore his fastened heartbeat.

"Moooony?"

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Nothing."

Padfoot smiled happily into his pillow.

II

On Christmas Eve they sneaked out to Hogsmeade. Sirius was running around like a little kid dragging Remus around with him. From time to time he would stop abruptly and take in his werewolf friend's face cuddled deeply into his scarf and beanie, with only soft golden eyes and long lashes with snowflakes caught in them showing. Sirius' reckoned this must be the happiest he had ever been. He even gathered courage to grab Moony's hand occasionally under the pretext of leading the way. Yes, this was going to be the best Christmas yet.

"Slow down, Pads, you're going to fall and drag me with you." Remus complained.

"I won't, I promise… come on! I want some candy!" Sirius exclaimed making his way to Honeydukes.

"I said, slow down!" Moony yelled frustrated and Sirius stopped suddenly making the boy collide with his back, "Padfoot!" Remus growled rubbing his nose.

"I'll get you some chocolate." Sirius grinned back at his friend.

"Seriously, what are we even standing here for?!" Remus huffed taking the lead, now in a hurry himself.

III

They were walking the Christmas decoration lit streets and Remus was contently chewing his chocolate.

"You know, Sirius, you should have gone with James if you wanted to that badly." Moony commented out of the blue.

"Huh? Who said I wanted to go?" Sirius shrugged nonchalantly.

"I found you crying, Pads." Remus threw him a skeptical look.

"I was_ not_ crying!"Came a stubborn reply.

"Of course not. However, I still think, you should have gone." Remus was keeping his ground.

"And what? Interrupt family-time? I don't belong there, Moons, they're not my relatives. My problems shouldn't have to do anything with them," Sirius' eyes grew hard and he looked off to the distance slowing his pace.

"And me? Do your problems have nothing to do with me?" The golden-eyed boy asked somewhat quietly.

"They don't."

"I see. Well then, maybe you shouldn't concern yourself with my problems either, _Padfoot._" Remus stopped completely and looked at the other boy solemnly.

"What are you- " Sirius muttered, his eyes widening.

"What I want to say is there are people who care about you. Love you. Want to protect you. People, who are your friends. If you think, I don't know how you feel, you're wrong. Half of my life I felt out of place in my own home. Like I was just a burden to my parents with my _problems_. Like I shouldn't have people around me, because it would only make their lives do much harder." Remus gaze bore into Sirius and the latter felt uneasy, too vulnerable under it, "Tell me, Sirius, how did you feel, when I didn't tell you about my lycanthropy?"

"I-I… like you didn't trust us enough. Like-…you…you… didn't want us close." Sirius mumbled as he remembered how betrayed and hurt he felt. Not because Remus had a secret, but because Sirius wasn't important enough to be let in on it.

"I've made similar mistakes with my family, pushing them away, refusing the help they were offering when in the end, I was not protecting them, but hurting them instead." Moony smiled sadly, "It's only natural to want for the people we care about to be happy, because it's the only way for us to be happy too. We all want to help, to protect. And, once again, there are people who care about you, Pads. You have to let them help you. You have to let them get close, if not for your own, then for their sake."

Sirius stood there frozen, not even knowing what to think. How come Remus saw right through his deepest insecurities? How come, he knew all the right things to say, when Sirius couldn't put his feelings into words?

"Just so you know, if I would've thought that you would accept the offer, I would've invited you to spend Christmas with me." Moony smiled tenderly before turning and starting to walk again.

Padfoot felt his cheeks turning hot and some unexplainable warmth spread out throughout his whole body. He stood still for a couple of seconds, before snapping out of it.

"Moony, wait up!"

IV

On Christmas morning Sirius woke up to realize they had fallen asleep on the ground by the fire in the common room. And that there were Remus' hands wrapped around him. And that he didn't want to move. Ever again. Not in this life time.

Remus grumbled something incoherent in his sleep pressing himself closer to Sirius.

"Hey, Moony, Moony, wake up, it's Christmas…" Padfoot forced himself to whisper, silently hoping his friend didn't react.

"Hmm?" The hands released his waist, much to his disappointment. "Merry Christmas, Padfoot…" Remus murmured sleepily.

"Merry Christmas, Moons." Sirius smiled.

V

After unwrapping their presents and drinking a couple of cups of hot chocolate, they sat there watching the winter scenery, bundled up in their ugly sweaters.

"I'm glad you're here." Sirius whispered, half expecting for it to go unnoticed.

There was no answer, but that little smile on Remus' lips indicated that the words were heard.

"I-…" Sirius wanted to day a lot more, but the words barely made it to his throat and then simply got stuck forming an uncomfortable lump, refusing to come out.

"Me too." Moony's golden eyes turned to him carefully, with some kind of unspoken emotion behind them.

Sirius' hand reached out automatically to brush Remus' hair out of his face, but Sirius stopped it midway, letting it fall back down.

"Did your plans… why did you stay?" Padfoot murmured turning away.

"Because."

"Why?" Even though Sirius refused to look up, his voice got more demanding.

"I wanted to spend Christmas with you."

He could hear soft streaks in the voice.

"You felt sorry for me." Sirius managed to choke out, feeling those words create painful pangs in his stomach.

"No. Sirius, I wanted to spend my Christmas with you." Remus repeated his tone stricter this time.

"You could've gone home to your family… you _should've_ gone home." Sirius shook his head slowly, guilt arising in the back of his mind.

"I thought you're glad I'm here." Remus said simply.

Sirius head shot up.

"Of course, I'm glad, but that just makes it all the more… never mind."

" 'Never mind' he says. We seem to be repeating that a lot lately." Remus said amusedly looking up to the ceiling. "But that's just it, Pads, I kind of do mind. Why is it you don't believe I really just wanted to be here with you?" His smile turned somewhat sad now.

"It's just you… I… wanted…" Sirius could've told Remus everything, from how he's been in love with the werewolf for over two years now, to how he had never been quite as insecure as he was now. He hardly knew where to start though, even if he did manage to muster up the so needed courage.

"I like you." Remus blurted out rashly, "You're my friend, I care about you, I was worried, but mostly I stayed here, because I like you."

Sirius stared at his red-as-a-tomato friend's profile frozen.

"But-…" He tried to collect his thoughts, "You-…"

"As in I'm in love with you, Pads." Remus cooperated still looking at the ceiling as if he had never seen anything as fascinating.

"You…are?" Padfoot finally came to conclusion that he must've heard it right, simply because he had never seen his calm and collected friend turn such an interesting shade.

Remus nodded.

"If you say that, you realize that there is no possible way I'm letting you take your words back, right?" Sirius asked suddenly still wide eyed and a bit lost.

Moony turned his head to look at him finally.

And so his lips were attacked. Sirius, afraid that the other boy might somehow change his mind, pressed himself closer with everything he had, until Remus started responding.

"Moony, next year…do you mind if I spend Christmas with you again?"

"Well, if you don't mind my mum's … special… cooking skills, then of course."


End file.
